How are you all? Wow, it’s been a long time since I made a post. So much has happened and it’s not all good. I have been through such a tough year.
When I was updating, it was a way to escape my Mum’s treatment. I updated what was happening and how crappy that summer 2016 was. Well She ended up getting the all clear for a bit. She was still in agony when we were told it was damage from the radium. She ended up going into hospital in January 2017 for 5 weeks and they found out she had cancer again or it either spread. I don’t understand and don’t want to ask. It was in her liver but one day they found out she had a brain tumour as well. That was hell going back to college leaving Dad at home and Mum in hospital. I wanted to leave but they wouldn’t let me.
Roll onto March the 8th on International women’s day, I felt something weird was happening. I was getting weird messages and phone calls from people but they hung up straight away and made excuses. It was weird. I rang my Mum and my sister answered. She said something had happened to Dad. My aunty and uncle came up for me. He had a heart attack and didn’t survive. Within 20 minutes it went round the community. A bad thing with being in a small community. Everyone knows everything. Myself and my brother in Australia found out by other people texting saying sorry for your loss and people we wouldn’t really consider close friends either. 20 days later I lost Mum. It’s been a really crappy year!!!!
It’s been difficult but it feels as if I have never met them. That my siblings aren’t my siblings and it comes in waves. I get really upset and then I’ll be fine thinking I must be hormonal or something. My brother stayed home and took over my Dad’s business but sadly he announced he is going back in July. We are renting the house to rent me a place since I can’t afford two places. I’ll have one here and one in College. I know the smart thing is to stay in college but where I am, I must go home for the weekends. I am staying with a lovely woman and her Mum comes to stay at the weekend. I don’t mind as I wouldn’t stay there over the weekend. It’s a dump of a place. Nothing happens, places are closed down and then my friends go home. Next year we are selling the house when I finish college and then with my share buy an apartment for myself and start a brand new life.
My brother has been so stressed with telling people as they have been telling him to stay and last month he had a heart attack. Thankfully he is OK but he has been doing tests to see what is wrong with his heart. I suppose we all should do some. I know I don’t manage stress very well. I comfort eat and did that today. At least I didn’t go for chocolate. I ate healthy but a bit too much carbs. I.E. bread. I’ll go for it when I don’t have chocolate. I have wholemeal in the house at least so not too bad.
I’m meant to be boxing up things to take with me into my new apartment and box things up for the painter next week. Everything is changing and I can’t handle it. I can’t handle it anymore. I wish things could go back to the way they were. I wish I just had a terrible break up. At least with a break up there would be a slight chance of getting back together instead of this heart break.
So many people have told me it takes time. It seems to be getting worse. It seems to be starting to sink in now with us getting ready to rent out the house in July or start of August. I still can’t sleep with my door shut as I am listening out for my Mum’s morphine pump still. The washing machine sounds the exact same as it when it went off. When I hear my brother snore, I think it’s Dad. I can’t take this anymore. I just want them back so much.
The last thing my Dad said to me was “See you Thursday”. He dropped me to the train on the Sunday and now a part of me expects him to be at home every Thursday still.
I don’t know how many times I’ve tried to write this post. I just want things to go back to the way they were. I feel guilty for going back to college that there may have been a slight chance, that I could have taken the stress off Dad. I would be with Mum all of the time and helping her get better and ready for her treatment. Dad would feel OK with Mum being with someone he trusted instead of getting people to stay with her while I was in college and he had to go out.
Right, well I better go. I have an early start tomorrow. I’m currently doing work placement and I got one of them in a special needs school.
Love Jess xxx